Not So Fit, Fitspo Part 2

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When I moved to Perth the first thing I did was join a gym. It had a creche! That was a game changer. I felt so free, I didn’t have to wait for Veyda to fall asleep. I didn’t have to dread looking at my phone in case someone had messaged me telling me to come home because Veyda was awake.

 

Let me just talk about my diet quickly.

 

In all honesty my diet has never been great, I would go from starving myself because I couldn’t be bothered making something, to eating a whole pizza and cheesy garlic bread.

But because I worked out I was and am able to keep a steady weight. It was a wayward deficit I call it. Sometimes I beat myself up about what I could look like if I actually put some effort into my diet, But, then I remind myself that it is OKAY. I’ve considered bikini comps and one day I’d love to just to see what I’m capable of but right now I just don’t think I’m in the right mind set.

 

I started to get bored with just the gym, so when a friend invited me to play netball I couldn’t have been more excited! Something new! I hadn’t played since high school!

 

So now I was gyming most days and playing netball twice a week. I was having so much fun, my diet was still so-so. But still every time I went to the gym or netball it was because I wanted a break from the mum life, I wanted to think about something else other than changing baby, feeding baby, keeping baby happy. Not once did the thought of how many calories I’ve burnt run through my mind as I was going up and down a court. Then I found a pole course with my friend! We do that twice a week and it’s honestly the most fun thing I’ve ever done! I can see how the gym is paying off through my achievements in pole. So, as you can see I’m extremely active! But none of it feels like a chore! It’s productive time away from Veyda, and these days dropping her off to the creche doesn’t always feel like I’m trying to get away from her, I feel more relaxed, plus she loves hanging out with other kids. In the beginning I was desperate for time away because I was drowning in motherhood, but these days I’m not trying to escape her anymore, and I feel better for it.

 

I just want people to see that not all fitness journeys are about weight loss and having an 8 pack, 6 months after giving birth (not that there is anything wrong with that). My fitness journey is about creating a strong mind as well as a strong body. Skinny is out of fashion finally! Being strong in any way, is where it’s at! Strength comes in many forms! Someone who is skinny is not necessarily strong and someone who is bigger is not necessarily unhealthy or weak. This is the difference I want to make clear. Going to the gym every day to lose weight is not everyone’s MO anymore.

 

If you had of spoken to me when I was 15, that would have been a different story. God, I hated myself then. I had no understanding of healthy or fit. I thought running on the treadmill until I couldn’t feel my feet was what I had to do to look like a model. I wouldn’t eat at school because that wasn’t cool.

 

In year 12 there was a shift. Eating healthy became more of a trend, thanks to the wonderful world of Instagram, even going to the gym. My friends started bringing more salads in or sandwiches packed with goodness, slowly we all started to alter our lunches. I’m sure I wasn’t only one that noticed. Looking back, it was quite interesting. Then on weekends we’d all get blind drunk, but that’s another story.

 

Social media can be our best friend or it can be our worst enemy. As a new mum seeing all the celebrities bouncing back or just seeing beautiful made up women looking fabulous after babies can really bring you down if you’re not feeling confident in yourself. It’s completely normal. Our bodies have just changed completely, we look nothing like we did before falling pregnant, so of course we are going to be scared to look in the mirror. But getting to your goal weight or goal body takes so much time! It doesn’t happen overnight, I’m certainly not there. Even the “fitspos” took time to look how they do after babies, but they worked their asses off like everyone else. If you don’t believe me go check out Emily Skye, Revie Jane, Chontel Duncan and Tammy Hembrow, these women all have kids and they’re all a part of the fitness industry. Lipo or tummy tucks do not give you abs, you have to work for those regardless of who you are. I see so many people tearing them down for how they look after kids because it’s not “realistic” I’m tired of seeing it because it’s bull shit. They were working out before falling pregnant, they exercised during their pregnancies, and when they were given the all clear, they started to work out after. They are not exempt from doing everything else others do.

 

I saw a post not long ago of a mum bringing down other mums who were thin or toned after having kids saying that it’s not a real representation of postpartum motherhood. It’s bullshit because no one has the right to say what’s “real” or not for a mother’s postpartum journey.

Whether you’re tall, short, big or small there is no right way to look after babies because let’s face it no one in this world has the exact same body as anyone else. Some people can bounce back with little effort, some people can’t and some people aren’t worried about bouncing back at all because we’ve all just had babies! Don’t ever make someone feel guilty for how they look, because they are on their own journey, and so are you. I know I’m not alone in receiving these comments or looks, which is why I wrote this. No one is any better than anyone else because of how they do or don’t look.

Itchy Baby Co

Products + Reviews

So, after receiving quite a few questions in regards to my posts about using Itchy Baby Co products I decided to lay it all out for you guys and I have something very exciting to add as well!

I started noticing Veyda has red and itchy skin when she was about 3 or 4 months old, it was very unnerving to watch her scratch at herself and to watch the skin get more and more irritated.

I don’t suffer from eczema and neither did any of my siblings so I didn’t know much about it until my friend Tam had her first baby, Paige. That poor baby, they would have to wrap her up like a mummy and lather her in creams. Her skin would blister and she just seemed miserable. I had never seen anything like it. So, when Veyda started to develop rashes that’s all I could think about. I wondered if I had used the wrong creams to begin with and that set her off, I felt horrible. We started using creams like moogoo and soap free washes, and at first they helped a little but they didn’t really subside the itching or dull the redness.

Being in the Pilbara the water can be extremely hard on delicate skin so I had hoped that when we moved to Perth her skin would improve but unfortunately for some reason it got worse! It was red and raw and so very itchy! I felt for her and I could always hear her scratching through her baby monitor despite covering her hands.

As we all do these days, we scroll through social media and every now and again Itchy Baby Co would pop up! On the eczema threads that people would post someone would always mention it. On Instagram I’d see a post every now and again too. So, I started following them! I had just run out of our cream that we had been using (I can’t even remember the brand, there’s been that many), when I decided to just take the plunge and order a starter pack! It came in about a week and I was so excited! It included three different bath soaks, a face mask and a moisturiser, I couldn’t believe that I got all that for such an affordable price!  Veyda had just woken up from her nap so I changed her nappy and applied the  moisturiser cream straight away, it was like nothing I’ve ever tried! It was so different from normal moisturisers, and don’t even get me started on the smell, it’s delicious and not at all over powering like some creams can be.

I started by applying it at every nappy change just because she needed it, and within a week or so I only needed to apply it maybe every second or third nappy change and after her bath.

Now onto the bath soaks! They are so cool! They come with the cutest little wooden spoons (which I’ve now got a nice collection of), they don’t smell and they’re so calming, they also turn the water into a nice milky looking colour. Veyda loves to help put the soaks into the bath.

Our normal bath routine now consists of running that bath, I always make sure to have the water warm but not hot as I find that can irritate her skin more, and whilst it’s filling up I apply the face mask to her legs, ankles and arms as those are her most problem areas, we leave that on until the bath is up to our normal level and then Veyda helps me add two tea spoons of the bath soak into the bath, she then gets in the bath and we rinse off the mask and continue as normal. I don’t even use shampoo and conditioners for Veyda anymore as I find that just the soak alone and a face cloth is enough to get her nice and clean. I pat her dry and then we moisturise her from head to toe! It’s a great simple little routine and Veyda doesn’t complain about the massages at all!

I was getting through the pack quite well but found I was running out of the moisturiser so quickly, so I messaged the lovely Julia from Itchy Baby Co and she told me about a discount code that can get you three moisturisers and the fourth free! How good is that?! It’s so handy when you’re using it religiously. Use code “moisturiserfreebie” at check out when you have three moisturisers in your cart!

Since using Itchy Baby Co, Veyda itches less, she currently has no scabs or open sores, her skin is less red and most of all we have had the break outs under control since starting and being consistant.

Julia is a pharmacist of 15 years who has two young children so she gets what it’s like to try and tackle skin issues!  I whole heartedly believe in this product and plan to use it for many years to come. If you would like to try this product I give you no better reason than to place an order now as she has so generously given me a 20% discount off her bath soaks and bath soak assortment packs which can really give you a great idea as to what the rest of the range is like! Use code “Veyda20” at check out! Make sure you tag Itchy Baby Co in all your stories as she loves to see what customers think!

I cannot thank Julia enough for always being kind and always helping to the best of her ability, her customer service is out of this world and so hard to find these days!

 

A Good Week

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This week has been completely different from the last. I found myself smiling more, reaching out more, planning days out that didn’t feel like burdens. The heavy weight in my chest wasn’t constantly weighing me down. I was able to laugh things off, I didn’t give certain looks or comments from other people a second thought. Not much kept me up.

 

I found myself staring at Veyda for long periods of time, just marveling in her and her personality, the way she stacked her cups or pretended to feed her dolls.  Something I hadn’t found myself doing since she was a baby. I felt excited to be around her and I missed her when we were apart. I felt connected to her again and it’s made me so happy.

 

I’ve started setting goals again, looking into pathways into Uni, mapping out plans for the future. I feel excitement. But I also feel a lot of fear. How long will this feeling last? Will this coming week be an uphill battle again? What’s going to trigger me? Nothing really feels solid for me these days, I could turn a corner and crumble or I could fail miserably and feel joy. I’m not sure why it all has to be so complicated but I suppose it’s all part of the journey.

 

As a family we were able to connect more on the weekend. There were less arguments and things just seemed to flow. It was beautiful. When I have weeks like this it motivates me to keep up with what I am doing, but it can also add pressure, like if I was to have a meltdown because I couldn’t quite get everything I planned on doing, done then I would feel like a failure and lose my momentum. This is something I’m trying to break. I just want to keep on keepin’ on. But farrrr out it’s hard to manage sometimes. But I really need to start calling a win a win. Without adding the “but”. I need to take that win and run with it, stop finding something wrong with everything and accept the imperfection.

 

It’s been a relief to just have a break form being so miserable, I have so much more energy and patience. I feel passionate and loving. I don’t feel so alone at the moment. I’m going to write down some affirmations for the week to come, I need something to remind me to stay positive and take a step back to enjoy. It can feel silly looking at yourself in the mirror and reciting “I am beautiful, I am strong and I am not failing.” But I swear it helps. I am worthy of feeling those three things, so I’m going to continue to remind myself.

 

I am beautiful, I am strong and I am not failing.

 

 

Filling My Cup

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We are always told that when we have children we must find some time for ourselves, whether that be something as simple as sitting down with a coffee before the kids get up, watching our favourite show when they go to bed, going to the gym or hanging out with friends. There’s so many things that we can do that can fill our own cups (we need it, we spend all our time filling someone else’s),  but the trouble is finding the right thing sometimes. Another thing people say is, “Say goodbye to your free time!” so you never really know what to do! But when we do get a spare minute we never want to waste it, because then we feel reaaally shit about it. Time to yourself that doesn’t include doing the dishes or washing (unless that’s something you enjoy of course), it’s about doing something that relaxes you, and gives you time to do whatever it is YOU want.

I’ve been on the search for something that really satisfies me, and makes me feel like my time was not wasted, and to be honest it really depends on my day and how I’m feeling. If I’ve had a really stressful day, like Veyda has been in my face and just needing all of me, I feel trapped and I can feel aggressive, so I find venting my anger through netball helps so much. I play WD which means my main role is annoying the shit out of my WA, so for the first time all day I’m in someones else’s face, not the other way around. When I’m feeling insecure and I’m hating my body, I look forward to pole practice because it’s one of a few sports that are incredibly empowering, there is no one body type and everyone is good at something. When I’m feeling like a horrible parent, like I just couldn’t connect with Veyda or I couldn’t give her what she needed, I write. I vent and I try to take all the pressure off my chest, I write to figure out the exact root of my feeling of failure, and sometimes I realise I didn’t fail, I just had to learn something new.

Socialising with friends without Veyda is one thing I didn’t realise how badly I needed until this weekend. I am responsible for a human 24/7 and I am responsible for running a household, the pressure of it can sometimes feel too much. I respect any woman (or man) that gets all their washing dried, folded and put away in less than 12 hours. If no one has told you that you’re doing a great job lately, I’m about to. Taking care of children is hard, making sure your house is clean is hard, trying to get dinner on the table with someone crawling up your leg or pulling everything out of the cupboards is fucking hard! Yes, it’s just daily life as a parent, but just for today don’t down play it. Some days we get on with it, and some days we don’t.  AND THAT IS OKAY!

Taking the time to recharge reminds me to take a step back and enjoy! I felt guilty for using my free time to go drink and hang out without doing something that wasn’t deemed as time wasting. The guilt is real. When I go to the gym, pole or netball the guilt is less because I tell myself that because I’m exercising I’m not wasting time, I’m doing something productive, and I feel like it justifies spending time away from Veyda. But I’m realising it’s okay to not to anything productive with your time, there’s no right or wrong way to spend your time away from your kids. I feel like since realising that in the last 10 hours I’ve felt a pressure being lifted. Of course I’m not going to spend every  minute I have free, drunk, ain’t no body got money for that, but it just means that it’s okay to do so! Take the pressure off of yourself, go take an hour and do whatever you want, even if that’s doing the food shopping alone (I live for that shit).

I’m excited to try a few new things in the near future, my mission is to try to be bit less active, and not throw all of me into something fitness related. This week especially I want to take a bit more time to reflect, a friend of mine actually reminded me to do this and I’m so grateful.

I know not everyone can be as lucky as to spend more than and hour away from their kids every week, and I know I shouldn’t complain because I do SO much but there’s really no right or wrong way to do it. I get judged a bit for being away from Veyda, but in all honesty I don’t care, I’m doing the best that I know how, to stay a float and be a good mother and partner. But like I’ve said before I can’t be a good mother and partner if I’m not good to myself #treatyoself.

So I hope everyone had a great weekend, full of laughs and food! Here’s to a new week with new goals, new challenges, hopefully less guilt and a fuller cup.

Imposter Syndrome

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There’s something I really want to speak about, and that’s imposter syndrome. I’ve only just recently put a name to this feeling and I’m so glad I have more of an explanation. If you don’t know what Imposter Syndrome is, it’s known as a “psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear as being exposed as a ‘fraud’” (cheers google). But it’s not just that, it’s also being put under pressure to be what everyone else is because that’s the “correct way” to be. It’s something we pick up as preteens and progressively gets worse throughout high school so then we have to go “find ourselves” before Uni starts (if you go to Uni). BUT because of the beautiful universe of social media, it goes beyond the school years, it goes beyond the work environment, because you take it home with you. There are pictures of social media influencers everywhere telling you who to be and what to wear, even what to write. I still fall victim to it, every day. “Follow the herd, or you won’t be heard”, we’re told.

It’s perfectly okay to be sucked in, it’s the world we live in. You can really use it to your advantage if you wanted to. As always, it’s also great to go against the grain and be your truest self, which is what I’m trying to be. I’ve had so many years of trying to be the perfect someone else that I’m not 100% sure who I really am (Cliché as shit, I know). But that takes time and a lot of self-exploration. I think that’s why I do a lot of the things I do, to see if I’m comfortable doing things others might not like or simply don’t do. The blog, pole dancing, opening up about mental health and motherhood. Yes, these are all things people do and speak about, but if you really look at it, it’s not something the majority do. All those things mean putting yourself out there and being vulnerable because it’s not the “norm”. I’m not trying to make a point of being different, I’m just trying to find ways to bring out the real Hayley, and stop trying to seek so much validation from this “imposter” in my head.

Self-doubt is the biggest bully around, in my opinion. Nothing can tear you down quite like you. Ignoring negativity from others is actually quite easy, it’s ignoring that imposter in your head that’s agreeing with them. It’s extremely hard to ignore that. That’s what kept me from doing things. I put off my blog for years because my imposter kept telling me that no one would read or care about what I had to say. I put off trying pole dancing for years because I was scared about what people would say, and I was scared people would think I was copying them, even putting my mental health struggles out there, I was worried that people would think what I have gone through and am still going through is nothing and not worth even a sentence. I was worried people wouldn’t care about my journey as a mother. All of the things that this imposter had told me seemed to ring true.  I used to believe everything it would say, I let it control me. I don’t know what it was that encouraged me to kick my imposters arse, honestly, I have no idea. I think one day I literally said to myself “Fuck this, I’m doing it”. It’s not as easy as that but it helped me take the first step and that’s all you need to beat anything.

Every day I still struggle with Imposter Syndrome, but every day I seem to prove it wrong or do something that invalidates its voice. I’m the one that gives it power, so I just have to keep proving it wrong. I strongly believe it’s the best thing for it. You are your biggest competitor, not someone else. You have to find the strength to tear down the imposter and build a positive and encouraging voice. I know it will take a long time, but to me I think it’s worth it, because what you do is worth it, everything you say and do is worth something. If you can create that strong positive inner voice it will help combat the negativity around you. Whether that be negative people or negative situations.

I was only able to put a name to this feeling thanks to a podcast called “ProBlogger”, even if you don’t blog I’d recommend giving it a listen as it was quite eye opening! Hearing about real people and their success just motivates me to keep going and kick that imposters arse!

I plan on writing more about how I’m building a more positive me through different actions, I’ll be sure to keep you updated. I feel like if this can help me, maybe it could help someone else drowning in negativity. I wish someone had told me a long time a go to not listen to the negative voice in my head, so I’m going to tell you not to listen. If that voice is telling you, you can’t, I’ll tell you that you can. If that voice is telling you that you’re not worthy, well you bet your arse I’m going to tell you that YOU are worthy. Put yourself out there, please. Even if it’s just starting something small, that something small could turn into something big and you’ll be so grateful that you took that first step.

Moti-What?

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MOTIVATION!

Let’s talk motivation. What motivates us to do things? To be who we are? Who motivates us? Do we motivate ourselves?

To say I’ve struggled with motivation would be an understatement. Being unmotivated is probably the thing I’m best at. It’s a super self-sabotaging quality that I have. There’s a beauty to how great I am at being unmotivated. Even writing this I’m thinking of ways to get out of it. But I made this commitment to myself. I’ve given myself deadlines and I must meet them. If I can’t motivate myself to write one bloody blog post a week then where the hell am I going to go in life?

Abso-fuckin-lutley nowhere. That’s where.

This is all part of a bigger picture. Well, that’s what I tell myself.

I feel like motivation and commitment go hand in hand. I’m not sure if anyone else does, but hey this is my blog post.

If we can’t motivate ourselves to commit to things, even as simple as a blog post, how do we expect ourselves to commit to bigger things? Like educational courses, jobs, relationships or even social events. Social events are important guys, don’t ever think they’re not.

In school I struggled with motivation, I didn’t commit to deadlines or group assignments. I was not reliable. It’s not that I wasn’t smart, I’m fairly smart when I actually apply myself, believe it or not. But it seems to take a massive kick up the arse for me to actually find the motivation to start, continue or finish something. Like not being able to graduate, it took me having to repeat a year or potentially not graduating to motivate me to fucking apply myself. I motivated the hell outta myself and graduated with a few awards as well. Plus, a Uni offer. But I look back and think “why the fuck did it take THAT to motivate me?”.

At one point I was homeless (well there were two points) I couldn’t for the life of me get up off my arse and actually plan my future. I was broke, I had no where to live, nothing. All because I wasn’t motivated enough to realise that I was in some deep shit. I couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in. A lot of it was to do with my mental health, I couldn’t look beyond the next day. But I look back and think to myself, all I had to do was plan a head, secure myself a job, and I would have avoided all that. I wallowed in that situation for farrr to long. That’s a story for another time.

 

When I DO commit to something I’m all in, some would say I even have an obsessive personality. I have to be the best at whatever it is that I’m doing, I think about it all day everyday. But holy shit if there’s even an inkling that I might fail or I don’t get something right away, I give up. How shit is that? That’s what I’m trying to break here. I’m trying to motivate the motivation. I’m trying to commit to life here. I don’t want to half arse my way through life anymore. I want to commit and enjoy it, I want to find my purpose. Am I destined to be a housewife for the rest of my life? Am I destined to save lives? Am I destined to write a blog about the tiny midgies that obsess over my house plants? I DON’T KNOW! All I do know is, I need to keep finding the motivation to continue otherwise I’m never going to figure out what the hell I want to do. I need to commit to the motivation.

Using excuses like, “Oh I just don’t feel like it”, or “My index finger is a bit crampy today” FUCK THAT, I’m doing it. I can still type with my middle finger. Somedays I don’t feel like being a mum but obviously I still have to do it. I need to be in that same mindset.

Yes, you run into obstacles but the point of those obstacles is to find a way around them and become stronger. The bigger the obstacle the bigger the success is when you get around it. BREAK THROUGH THE BARRIER!

I don’t think anyone understands how big of an achievement this blog piece is. I was moving into that unmotivated mind set, all week I hadn’t even looked at my blog. I felt nothing when I thought of it. Yet when I started planning it, I felt such passion and love for my safe little space. So, to me this is the first step I may need to beating my toxic cycle of giving up. I’m damn proud of this achievement, no matter how small.

Either way an achievement is an achievement, don’t let anyone steal your thunder.

I’ll just be here feeding my motivation for life.

Anxiety

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Over the past year or two I’ve been dealing with anxiety, I would say it was triggered by my pregnancy. Something quite different to what I’m used to feeling. I’ve battled with depression for a long time, I’m used to that deep, hollow feeling. I’m used to feeling so numb and just down that I can’t function. I’m used to just sleeping and sleeping.  But my god anxiety is so different. I can’t sleep, I can’t walk anywhere without freaking out about everything. Are people looking at me? Why are they looking at me? Shit, I forgot my shopping bags, I can’t go back in case someone thinks I’m leaving and wants my parking spot. Thinking about al the coulda’, shoulda’, woulda’s of my past. Lying awake for hours thinking about every conversation I’ve ever had, wondering about what I should have said differently, if I should have said anything at all. Unable to keep friends because I just can’t physically deal with situations, so I just block everyone out and shut down. Absolutely losing myself to a chest crushing feeling. Feeling anxious about if my method of parenting is going to produce an absolute drop kick of an adult. There is so much going on that my mind just feels like the middle of Times Square.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’ve conquered my anxiety, because that would be a lie. I’m not going to sit here and say that I am no longer depressed either. I’m not going to sit here and tell you all the things I’ve done to make it go away, because to be honest not much is working at the moment. I guess this is just me now. Being active has helped to some extent, but mostly it just tires me out enough that I fall asleep quicker than I would if I’d done nothing during the day. Talking about it to another person has made it overwhelming. I cannot physically get everything to come out of my mouth without a lot of blubbering and some snot bubbles.

In the past to try and conquer my depression I had tried medication, healthy eating and psychologists. It was nice to let it all out, and just to cry. It made it manageable. But what I’m finding with anxiety is that I cannot talk. I mean I can talk, obviously. But I cannot let the things that wind me up, out. It sends me into this frenzy and it’s incredibly uncomfortable. So, I tried Hypnotherapy. The first therapy session where I didn’t really have to talk, I just had to tap my finger and listen to a soothing voice. It made me actually sit there and listen to my mind and what it had to say, without talking over the top of it. I learnt to be accountable and I learnt that in some situation’s things were out of my hands and there is nothing I could do to change them. I explored my mind, I was able to sort my emotions which is what I really needed to do, because I just let them run wild. I live an active lifestyle, I play social sports, I go to the gym, I do Pole fit and I do Yoga. It’s a lot, but as I said, it does help me tire myself out, it’s also an outlet, but I’m still not 100% looking after my mind like I should.I think that will come with time. I thought I could just treat my anxiety like I treat my depression, and I held onto that for so long that I was ignoring what my body was trying to tell me. I simply couldn’t treat them the same. Now that I’ve come to terms with that things are a bit better, hence the blog.

This blog is helping me keep track of my thoughts and emotions, the same way people track their food intake I suppose. Of course, this comes with its own set of anxious thoughts. Will anyone read this? Will people pull the piss out of me? Will I fail?

Well.

People have read this, it’s not my problem if people pull the piss, it’s theirs. I started, so I will never fail.

I have always prided myself on being somewhat open with my struggles with my mental health, especially with close friends. But one day I just stopped talking about it, I buried it so deep it started to fester. Not talking about what was going on made me hateful and it made me so bitter. I think it comes back to a comment a friend made.

“It’s not that bad.”

It hit me so hard that even today I don’t want to be open, in case someone says that to me again. That simple sentence made me feel so small, it made my inner struggle seem minute. It was not the first time. In high school when I was at my peak with my struggle, I opened up to my friends. Know what they did? They ignored me. There was no offer of help. Nothing. It brought me back to that moment. So I just didn’t bother her with my problems anymore. I didn’t bother anyone.

Isn’t it funny how things can be traced back to something so seemingly small?

I get told all the time that I’m such a bright and happy person, that I seem so driven. Well in absolute truth, I am not. But society and personal experiences has told me that I should not air my dirty laundry. That when people ask how you are, or if you’re okay, that the only response you should give is “Yes I’m fine, you?”. That in truth they don’t really want to know. I’m so sick of that. When I ask people how they are, I genuinely want to fucking know. I want them to feel like they don’t have to give me a robotic response. I know some people, even myself, say to themselves, “Oh I don’t want to bother laying it all out”, well I can tell you that you should. Because in absolute truth, how can anyone know that you are struggling, if you don’t tell them? We are not mind readers. I know people will go onto say, “Oh but you would know if your friend/family member was depressed/anxious”. Well, no because all it takes is one person to make their situation feel like nothing and the walls go up. It’s fucking dangerous. So please, if someone reaches out, don’t ignore them, don’t tell them that it’s not that bad. Just be there, try to be understanding. Don’t be a dick.

Leading up to writing this my anxiety has been crippling. I’ve been scared to go out in case I run into old friends, I’ve wanted to cancel and hide away. I’ve been struggling to be nurturing towards my daughter. I’ve wanted to just hide away into the darkest parts of my mind. Well, I did. But I just cant do that anymore. Veyda is so innocent and does not deserve to be punished for how I’m feeling, neither does Stuart. But it’s so fucking hard not to project. So I’m working on it. I’m trying to push through it.

I just wanted to be open about how I’m feeling. Because I know I am not alone. I also want people to know that reaching out is scary, but my God it is so worth it. You are worth it.

When you feel so worthless all the time it’s nice to hear that.

Maybe one day I’ll talk about what brought me to all this. But to be honest it’s got so many twists and turns that I think I’d just get lost at this point trying to get it all out.

My biggest goal right now is to not let the coulda’, shoulda’, woulda’s consume me. It is what it is. It’s that simple.